chaptersix1

=LOVE= //"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." ~ Robert Frost//

__Hatfield__ believed in 2 types of Love: passionate and compassionate. Passionate Love is //all// consuming and extremely intense, yet fades over time. This sort of love would be similar to the "spring fling" or a short love affair. __Rubin__ found there were 3 components to Romantic Love; a need or attachment, a desire to give, and intimacy. The need is essential in any relationship, if one does not feel needed by the other person their relationship (if only a friendship) will not last long. The desire to give comes from the love for the other person. The need to make the other person happy or feel loved; circling back to the attachment. The intimacy does not only mean physical, but emotional as well. The need or desire to feel close to the person. Rubin's 3 components all circle back to each other.

=MARRIAGE= //"My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce." ~ Joyce Brothers//



In order for a marriage to be even remotely compatible between 2 people, psychologists believe there must be the following between the couple: similar cultural and economic backgrounds, levels of education, views of religion, happy childhood, a happy marriage example, and a healthy relationship with ones immediate family. There are 2 types of marriages: Endogamy and Homogamy. Endogamy is marrying within ones social group; where homogamy is marrying someone with alike attributes.

[|STAGES OF MARRIAGE] The //Newlywed Stage// is where the couple sheds their Family of Origin and adapts to their new and different role as a spouse. The //Children Stage// is when the couple begins to reproduce. The couple is now forced to be more responsible and have less freedom to do whatever tickles their fancy. The //Children's Adolescence// stage is when the responsibilities shift from the parent to the child. The child begins to grow and leave the "nest". The //Empty Nest// stage happens when all the children have moved out of the house, maybe off to college or possibly gotten married. The couples freedom is regained (often they do not know what to do with their free time) and many of their responsibilities have diminished. The //Alone Again// stage happens when the couple is retired. They now have more freedom than ever before and usually illness or death strikes in this stage of the marriage. Reasons for a successful marriage are usually that the spouse is ones best friend,and the belief that marriage is a lifelong commitment.

[|DIVORCE] Gottman believed in the 4 signs that a marriage would end in divorce (4 Horseman of the Apocalypse). Criticism, defensiveness, contempt,and withdrawal. The criticism leads to the defensive,with intern leads to the contempt, which activates the withdrawal. Once withdrawal has occurred, the only cure may be counseling. Conflict styles which arise are the denial (ostrich). This is where the person will not admit there is a problem nor will they face it. There is also an attack (Tiger). This person attacks the other with malicious intent,making the person being attacked feel crummy. The Passive Aggressive (Turtle) person strikes only when they feel they have something to say. The Starter (Skunk) is usually the type of person who loves drama. They will say something offensive to a person, then walk away and not face the fight they have picked. The Guilt Tripper (Puppy) will make the person they are fighting with feel guilty and bad for fighting with them. This technique is often used by mothers arguing with their children. The conflict can often be resolved by listening. Body language plays a massive factor in whether one is listening. If someone has their arms crossed and is starring at the ceiling or their feet, they are more likely than not not listening. The conflict is more likely to be resolved if there is fair fighting (avoid negative communication and bringing up past experiences).

=PARENTING= //"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories." ~John Wilmot//

[|The 10 Commandments of Parenting:]

1. What you do matters. 2.You cannot be too loving 3. Be involved in your child's life 4.Adapt your parenting to fit your child 5. Establish and set rules 6. Foster your child's independence 7. Be consistent 8. Avoid harsh discipline 9. Explain your rules and decisions 10. Treat your child with respect

[|The Three Styles of Parenting] Many times the way parents were raised is the way they will raise their own children. But unfortunately these ways can cause more harm then help. If a parent was raised roughly, it can be difficult for them to see abuse in the own parenting techniques. Luckily, many doctors are working closely with parents to help ensure that they lean newer ways of dealing with the stresses of being a parent. Some of the best advice to leanr form is knowing what style of parenting will work best in your household. Parents who believe in strict rules tend to be classified as authoritarians. They’re children learn to be very obedient and follow the rules of their parents closely. Because of this, the child’s input does not influence a parent’s decision easily. This style of parenting usually is beneficial for children with behavior disorders but can also cause poor self esteem in others. It also can make it difficult for children to learn to think for themselves. In a permissive family, the children run the show. These types of parents believe in creativity and also spontaneous ideas. Although this technique is great for shy and withdrawn children, it should not be used with more aggressive and rebellious children. This style can encourage bad behavior because the parents do not want to “interfere” with their child’s mental development.
 * Authoritarian**
 * Permissive**

Authoritative parenting is usually the best method for raising children. Parents in this style set high standards but also allow their children to make some decisions. This helps children learn about independence and how to think for themselves. Democratic parents do not punish their children, but teach them instead through guidance.
 * Democratic Or Authoritative**

[|Effective Time-outs:] 1. Chose Time-out areas. When giving a child a time out, you should never chose an area where they love to be, such as their play area. The place should be a in a chair in the corner of a room, or an adult chair/seat works great as well. The place does not have to be in the same place each time. The area should be convenient for you. 2. Explain the time-out. If the child does not know what he/she is being punished for, the problem is likely to occur again. 3. Use the time-out EVERY time the problem begins. The child will learn that the behavior is problematic and will eventually stop if caught and punished each time 4. Be brief an specific when explaining the time-out. Children do not have a long attention span and wont understand a lengthy explanation. 5. Do not acknowledge your child during time-outs. You must remember the child is being punished. 6. If the child moves from the chair, calmly return them to the chair. Younger children will want to leave the chair, you must be firm yet calm with the time-out. 7. The child should be relaxed and quiet before they may leave the chair. If the child is pouting and you let them leave, they will think they can pout every time and get out of the punishment. 8. The child must answer politely when wanting to leave. If the child is still angry, you should let him/her settle down while still in the time-out. 9. If the child is supposed to follow instructions at the end of the time-out, use slow and easy to follow instructions to let them know who is in charge and who is not. 10. Reward the child for good behavior. This will encourage the behavior letting them know what they are doing well. They will want your approval and continue to act that way.

[|The Effects of Positive Parenting] Staying positive during the toughest times is very important, it helps strengthen relationships while also leading a good example for children to follow. Allowing a child to engage in positive communication will cause them to learn lessons important for future communication with peers.

By using put downs, and exhibiting negative behavior, children learn to no longer trust their own parents; something that can seriously affect a child’s mentality. Negative behaviors tend to be passed on through generations

Davis, Jeanie L. "10 Commandments of Good Parenting." __WebMD__. 2007. 17 Jan. 2008 .
 * Works Cited**

Iannelli, Vincent. "Parenting Styles." __About.Com__. 13 Dec. 2004. U.S. Department of Education. 17 Dec. 2008 http://pediatrics.about.com/od/infantparentingtips/a/04_pntg_styles.htm.

Friman, Patrick C. "Time-Out Guidlines for Parents." __Boys Town__. 2006. 17 Jan. 2008 <[|http://www.parenting.org/precious/p_current.asp>.]

Ellingsen, Terje. "What is Good Parenting?" __Ezine Articles__. 16 Dec. 2008 .

Molly H Shannon J

 